Experimental

If you’re drinking beer in Kenya, you’re drinking Tusker beer. One of my comrades at Bustani Square had been apprised of a method to rid Tusker beer of undesirable matter. The precise nature of that undesirable matter was not specified but speculation placed it somewhere between additives, sediment and glycerine. To purify Tusker, one places the thumb firmly over the mouth of the bottle and then upends the bottle thus sealed in a bowl full of water. One then wriggles the thumb gently in order to make a miniscule opening so that the undesirable matter flows out into the water. Once this has been achieved, the very drinkable Tusker beer is allegedly even more drinkable and, miraculously, will not induce hangovers.

This task was performed over the dinner table and small bubbles did emerge from the upended bottle. Once settled, they allegedly formed a discernible puddle at the bottle of the bowl. Unfortunately, moments after this observation was made, the bowl toppled off the tabletop. The results of the experiment were not able to be verified. In the absence of a control, the Tusker experiment had to be deemed utterly inconclusive.

I add in closing that I have consumed a respectable quantity of Tusker over the last few weeks. The consequences of this consumption have been no sterner than those induced by other lagers of national repute.